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terrified of this hope

i'm terrified

i've never been this terrified in my life

and i've been through emergency surgery
i've felt as a baby ripped itself out of my body
determined to fail

i've seen my mom have countless emergency surgeries
i've watched as she fought her way back into life
determined to live

i listened to the voicemail my little sister left me
when she was in hiding from a gunman at her school
when i missed her call

i've counted the risks and complications
of brain surgery at 19 years old

i even tried to end my life
and woke up the next morning knowing that i had lost myself long, long ago

but this. 
this terrifies me the most.

this is what all these traumas were leading to
or at least i hope so
because i can't even imagine something worse.

preparing me for this.

i'm terrified of the hope
and of the loss that if not realized
could bring

in three days
i will know if all these needles and hormone injections
and belly bruises and hot flashes and overwhelming emotions and migraines
were enough to trick my old eggs, my old body
that i can do this.

tricking my old body
to do what it needs, oh god, what it fucking needs to do.

because it is what i was made to do. 
without it





(the pregnant pause)

terrified of this hope.



i'm terrified because every step forward actually takes me backwards.

7 months of trying seemed to be frighteningly too long.
but it wasn't, really. not after grieving for more than 14 months.

waiting to try again for two months seemed like an eternity.
but it wasn't, really. not after 16 months of periods that arrived with a stab in the heart.

16 months of trying with no success seemed like the end of the world
but it wasn't, really. not after being sent straight to a fertility clinic.

the referral to the fertility clinic seemed like a complete failure.
but it wasn't, really. not after not knowing if having a baby would affect my brain cysts.

the MRIs and neurology appointments seemed like a hopeless mess of uncertainty.
but it wasn't really. not after understanding IVF is my last chance to have a baby.

and now, this hope of my first IVF cycle working--

see how hope can be so terrifying?



how is anyone supposed to get through the millions of minutes between today and two days from now?








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