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so it seems

that the reason that the cysts will grow
or leak
or move

are unknown.

meaning
it's probably not estrogen that will kill me
it'll be something else
maybe
we don't know.

so i'm fine with that risk.

and so it goes.



but now i'm researching
aging ovaries
(prematurely)

and poor responders to ivf

then causes then genetics then symptoms then is it rare then how many eggs in a normal 30 year old woman then medications then higher miscarriage rates then higher abnormality rates then success rates then experimental clinics then

trying to find the text
the word the phrase the anything

that will help me to feel better

but all i find is
scarier sentences.

and holy shit going straight to ivf is a big deal
its my last resort to having a baby with parts of me and parts of him

when did i get to the last resort? i'm 30 years old. no one ever told me about this.




i've started to tell my little sister
not to smoke to check her ovarian reserve levels to freeze her eggs to think about this stuff
because no one ever told me. maybe it wouldn't have made a difference. maybe i'm just scaring her with these sentences. no one ever told me it could be like this.


but i always knew. in the very bottom of my heart where things that hurt and don't have words stay, i knew deep in there that i'd struggle to have a family. it became my biggest fear. (not dying because then i don't have to care anymore). but being without a way to impart the greatest gift to the world.



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