in the end, i'm supposed to tell my grown up child this is how much i wanted you. this is how much i loved you, before you were even you. this is how much i would go through for you. this is how much we wanted you.
so it seems that the reason that the cysts will grow or leak or move are unknown. meaning it's probably not estrogen that will kill me it'll be something else maybe we don't know. so i'm fine with that risk. and so it goes. but now i'm researching aging ovaries (prematurely) and poor responders to ivf then causes then genetics then symptoms then is it rare then how many eggs in a normal 30 year old woman then medications then higher miscarriage rates then higher abnormality rates then success rates then experimental clinics then trying to find the text the word the phrase the anything that will help me to feel better but all i find is scarier sentences. and holy shit going straight to ivf is a big deal its my last resort to having a baby with parts of me and parts of him when did i get to the last resort? i'm 30 years old. no one ever told me about this. i've started to tell my little sister not to smoke to check...
i'm being brave. google isn't helping. the only articles that mention my cyst are medical autopsies. i'm being strong. i cried last night when my husband was home. i can't cry tonight because he's not here to help me stop. i've turned inwards. because being a sponge is too hard right now. i've become angry. and frustrated and have no fucking patience. i'm being brave. tomorrow is the first neuro appointment. i have no other choice. these are my options right now. i hope tomorrow i can cross all of them out, except the first option. everything will be fine and i can have a baby through IVF. everything will be fine they'll say and then it won't be. everything will be fine they'll say and then i will need brain surgery while pregnant. everything will be fine they'll say and then i can't have brain surgery because i'm pregnant. everything will be fine they'll say and then i won't get pregnant with IF...