and now there is a little one in my belly. they say she is a girl. i turn to see another woman, with a teenaged daughter, how can it be that this could turn into me? that i could be given another life, a complex and demanding and loving living life? she kicks. every kick is a miracle. and i don't believe in miracles. but she is one, really. she is bigger than me. she already has overcome everything that i have overcome. she struggled against her own impossibility. do i tell her where she was made? that she is made from science? she kicks again. --- i used to not be afraid of dying. but with her inside of me... god, life can be so fucking scary. --- with her inside of me nothing else matters --- but we are all still a bit too afraid to celebrate just yet. mum tiptoes around her own excitement, keeping it it check, afraid she will upset me. i have never been happier in my life.
i'm terrified i've never been this terrified in my life and i've been through emergency surgery i've felt as a baby ripped itself out of my body determined to fail i've seen my mom have countless emergency surgeries i've watched as she fought her way back into life determined to live i listened to the voicemail my little sister left me when she was in hiding from a gunman at her school when i missed her call i've counted the risks and complications of brain surgery at 19 years old i even tried to end my life and woke up the next morning knowing that i had lost myself long, long ago but this. this terrifies me the most. this is what all these traumas were leading to or at least i hope so because i can't even imagine something worse. preparing me for this. i'm terrified of the hope and of the loss that if not realized could bring in three days i will know if all these needles and...