little one

i'm terrified i've never been this terrified in my life and i've been through emergency surgery i've felt as a baby ripped itself out of my body determined to fail i've seen my mom have countless emergency surgeries i've watched as she fought her way back into life determined to live i listened to the voicemail my little sister left me when she was in hiding from a gunman at her school when i missed her call i've counted the risks and complications of brain surgery at 19 years old i even tried to end my life and woke up the next morning knowing that i had lost myself long, long ago but this.  this terrifies me the most. this is what all these traumas were leading to or at least i hope so because i can't even imagine something worse. preparing me for this. i'm terrified of the hope and of the loss that if not realized could bring in three days i will know if all these needles and...

An open letter to a woman who has just gone through hell, No one understands. Not your mother, not your family, not your friends. Not even your husband. Not really. He loved it just as much as you did but he didn't have it in his body. He didn't feel the hormones--the emotions that are real and so strong-- go away. He didn't feel the nausea subside. A relief but also the worst sign. He's trying and you need him but it's not the same. Not the internet with the millions of posts with code words like TTC and 3m4d because this is so common. It's so common but so unique. There is no post that will tell you what's going to happen. How you can get through. How you're going to be happy soon, just not right now. And there's nothing that you can do, not really, that will help you get what you want. You're at the mercy to something bigger, something mysterious. The advice is: It takes time. Stop thinking about it. Just relax. Have fun.  ...

there is such thing as a genetic child or rather one that's not how did i get here, thinking about my child being genetic (or not)? of my baby being of my genes how does one choose or maybe one doesn't have a choice

in the end, i'm supposed to tell my grown up child this is how much i wanted you. this is how much i loved you, before you were even you. this is how much i would go through for you. this is how much we wanted you.

so it seems that the reason that the cysts will grow or leak or move are unknown. meaning it's probably not estrogen that will kill me it'll be something else maybe we don't know. so i'm fine with that risk. and so it goes. but now i'm researching aging ovaries (prematurely) and poor responders to ivf then causes then genetics then symptoms then is it rare then how many eggs in a normal 30 year old woman then medications then higher miscarriage rates then higher abnormality rates then success rates then experimental clinics then trying to find the text the word the phrase the anything that will help me to feel better but all i find is scarier sentences. and holy shit going straight to ivf is a big deal its my last resort to having a baby with parts of me and parts of him when did i get to the last resort? i'm 30 years old. no one ever told me about this. i've started to tell my little sister not to smoke to check...

i'm being brave. google isn't helping. the only articles that mention my cyst are medical autopsies. i'm being strong. i cried last night when my husband was home. i can't cry tonight because he's not here to help me stop. i've turned inwards. because being a sponge is too hard right now. i've become angry. and frustrated and have no fucking patience. i'm being brave. tomorrow is the first neuro appointment. i have no other choice. these are my options right now. i hope tomorrow i can cross all of them out, except the first option. everything will be fine and i can have a baby through IVF. everything will be fine they'll say and then it won't be. everything will be fine they'll say and then i will need brain surgery while pregnant. everything will be fine they'll say and then i can't have brain surgery because i'm pregnant. everything will be fine they'll say and then i won't get pregnant with IF...

you'll find this post a bit in the middle. because there really was no starting point. was it when we fell in love? when i dreamed as a child of having a family? was it when we had our first miscarriage? the month that i lost track counting how many months we've been trying? i'm hoping this is the middle, because that means there will be an end. a happy ending, i hope. i expected our first apt with at the fertility clinic to be inconclusive. for them to give me a few pills and say, just try again. just wait a bit longer. you're still young. everything is normal, sometimes it just takes longer. reduce stress. reduce caffeine. drink less. do yoga. eat seeds. be happy. come back in 6 months. instead: we need to go straight to IVF. you'll need to start taking these pills. he'll need to start taking these pills. you could be pregnant in two months. you need to take a two hour session with the nurse. you need to sign these consent forms. you need to decide w...