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being brave

i'm being brave.
google isn't helping. the only articles that mention my cyst are medical autopsies.

i'm being strong.
i cried last night when my husband was home. i can't cry tonight because he's not here to help me stop.

i've turned inwards.
because being a sponge is too hard right now.

i've become angry.
and frustrated and have no fucking patience.

i'm being brave.
tomorrow is the first neuro appointment.

i have no other choice.
these are my options right now. i hope tomorrow i can cross all of them out, except the first option.

everything will be fine and i can have a baby through IVF.

everything will be fine they'll say and then it won't be.

everything will be fine they'll say and then i will need brain surgery while pregnant.

everything will be fine they'll say and then i can't have brain surgery because i'm pregnant.

everything will be fine they'll say and then i won't get pregnant with IFV.

everything will be fine they'll say and i'll be too afraid to believe them.

everything will be fine they'll say and i'll lose the baby again.


nothing will be fine they'll say and i can't have a baby or do IVF.

nothing will be fine they'll say and i will have brain surgery and be fine.

nothing will be fine they'll say and i will have brain surgery and die.

nothing will be fine they'll say and i will have brain surgery and no memory.

nothing will be fine they'll say and i'll not believe them and then lose the baby again.

nothing will be fine they'll say and i'll be too afraid to believe them.


chances are you won't be fine they'll say and i will do nothing.

chances are you won't be fine they'll say and i have a baby through IVF.

chances are you won't be fine they'll say and i have a baby through IVF and then i won't be fine and i die but my baby is ok.

chances are you won't be fine they'll say and i have a baby through IVF and then i won't be fine and i die and my baby dies too.

chances are you won't be fine they'll say and i have a baby through IVF and then i won't be fine and i have brain surgery.

chances are you won't be fine they'll say and i have a baby through IVF and then i won't be fine and i have brain surgery and lose all my motor functions.

chances are you won't be fine they'll say and i have a baby through IVF and then i won't be fine and i can't have brain surgery because i'm pregnant.


chances are you'll be fine they'll say and i will do nothing.

chances are you'll be fine they'll say and i have a baby through IVF.

chances are you'll be fine they'll say and i have a baby through IVF and then i won't be fine and i die but my baby is ok.

chances are you'll be fine they'll say and i have a baby through IVF and then i won't be fine and i die and my baby dies too.

chances are you'll be fine they'll say and i have a baby through IVF and then i won't be fine and i have brain surgery.

chances are you'll be fine they'll say and i have a baby through IVF and then i won't be fine and i have brain surgery and lose all my motor functions.

chances are you'll be fine they'll say and i have a baby through IVF and then i won't be fine and i can't have brain surgery because i'm pregnant.

chances are you'll be fine they'll say and i have a baby through IVF and i'm fine. then i want to have a second baby.



there are too many chances and not enough choices.

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