the positivity spin

in the end, i'm supposed to tell my grown up child

this is how much i wanted you.
this is how much i loved you, before you were even you.
this is how much i would go through for you.
this is how much we wanted you.

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she kicks

and now there is a little one in my belly. they say she is a girl. i turn to see another woman, with a teenaged daughter, how can it be that this could turn into me? that i could be given another life, a complex and demanding and loving living life? she kicks. every kick is a miracle. and i don't believe in miracles. but she is one, really. she is bigger than me. she already has overcome everything that i have overcome. she struggled against her own impossibility. do i tell her where she was made? that she is made from science? she kicks again. --- i used to not be afraid of dying. but with her inside of me... god, life can be so fucking scary. --- with her inside of me nothing else matters --- but we are all still a bit too afraid to celebrate just yet. mum tiptoes around her own excitement, keeping it it check, afraid she will upset me. i have never been happier in my life.

so it seems that the reason that the cysts will grow or leak or move are unknown. meaning it's probably not estrogen that will kill me it'll be something else maybe we don't know. so i'm fine with that risk. and so it goes. but now i'm researching aging ovaries (prematurely) and poor responders to ivf then causes then genetics then symptoms then is it rare then how many eggs in a normal 30 year old woman then medications then higher miscarriage rates then higher abnormality rates then success rates then experimental clinics then trying to find the text the word the phrase the anything that will help me to feel better but all i find is scarier sentences. and holy shit going straight to ivf is a big deal its my last resort to having a baby with parts of me and parts of him when did i get to the last resort? i'm 30 years old. no one ever told me about this. i've started to tell my little sister not to smoke to check...

little one

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