little one

i'm terrified i've never been this terrified in my life and i've been through emergency surgery i've felt as a baby ripped itself out of my body determined to fail i've seen my mom have countless emergency surgeries i've watched as she fought her way back into life determined to live i listened to the voicemail my little sister left me when she was in hiding from a gunman at her school when i missed her call i've counted the risks and complications of brain surgery at 19 years old i even tried to end my life and woke up the next morning knowing that i had lost myself long, long ago but this.  this terrifies me the most. this is what all these traumas were leading to or at least i hope so because i can't even imagine something worse. preparing me for this. i'm terrified of the hope and of the loss that if not realized could bring in three days i will know if all these needles and...

An open letter to a woman who has just gone through hell, No one understands. Not your mother, not your family, not your friends. Not even your husband. Not really. He loved it just as much as you did but he didn't have it in his body. He didn't feel the hormones--the emotions that are real and so strong-- go away. He didn't feel the nausea subside. A relief but also the worst sign. He's trying and you need him but it's not the same. Not the internet with the millions of posts with code words like TTC and 3m4d because this is so common. It's so common but so unique. There is no post that will tell you what's going to happen. How you can get through. How you're going to be happy soon, just not right now. And there's nothing that you can do, not really, that will help you get what you want. You're at the mercy to something bigger, something mysterious. The advice is: It takes time. Stop thinking about it. Just relax. Have fun.  ...

there is such thing as a genetic child or rather one that's not how did i get here, thinking about my child being genetic (or not)? of my baby being of my genes how does one choose or maybe one doesn't have a choice